The Pimps

The Pimps |  Part I:  A CD review of 2010′s “F*ck This Sh*t, We’re Outta Here” by The Pimps… disguised as a letter to the Rockford Register Star and other pathetic media outlets for dropping the ball for so long.

By Andrew Whorehall

The Pimps "Oh those Bilderbergs..." Free MP3 Single

“Oh those Bilderbergs and their kooky culling plans.”

“Dear People of Rockford & to the few, powerfully, negligent, local media outlets–  specifically the Rockford Register Star, The Pimps, should be cited as much as Cheap Trick- if not more.

I’m not implying you’ve ignored them for not recording a hit cover song like “The Flame” or an original like “Surrender.”  I am assuming they’re too non-tradtionally smart, volatile and explosive for your cultural, musical tastes.  With all the worries you have at the RRStar for censorship, stories from the wire, writers with no names, those large colorful digital pictures- it’s no wonder when ‘Freedom of Speech’ is doubted now a days.  See The NYTimes for many examples but I won’t look too far, I stay local and read between the lines.  Your hard edits are very visible to these eyes.  Could you be any more obvious?

I ask that you honor & respect The Pimps for poetically naming their new record as it is named.  For that alone, local honor is past due.

'F*ck this sh*t we're outta here." by The Pimps

The record’s title, “F*ck This Sh*t, We’re Outta here,” is demographically poignant too. Add “Rockford, IL” to the end of their title line and you have one of the more successful city taglines forming one, classy, bumper sticker with a matching T-Shirt.  Said record of said title above is a gun-shot-blasted-love-letter-like-loaded-bullet written & made in our once great, industrial city.  Filled with American goodies and menacing spirits;  capitalism, weapons, partying, defeat,’FTSWOH’ is one of the midwest’s finest, punk, American recordings to come out of Rockford, IL- ever.  It’s a loud, proud, middle finger to the establishment from an economic wasteland that doubles as ground zero for dead end dreams and empty, once colorful, balloons– this is the Rockford, IL you should be reporting with urgency and explosiveness.

Face it RRStar.  Your articles are cupcakes generally filled with air.  Cupcakes are best eaten, not read.  That’s this writer’s opinion, not Sock Monkey’s, leave them out of it.  Fortunately they believe in Freedom Of Speech too as long as no one gets hurt.   Generally that seems like a pretty easy social rule to follow.  I know I’m not alone.  Get to know the people who do think for themselves,  the people that are closer to the ground than the moon.  The truth is down here in the river filth and the industrial aftermath.  Have you read your own Classified Jobs section?

A serious question disguised as a joke was just posed to me by two people on separate occasions, neither the med student or the professional knows each other.  The question turned joke was, “Did THE ONION buy the RRstar out?”

Where is this going?

Please don’t change a thing, just do what you can, to talk about the bands you ignore once in awhile.  It helps the artists and the community know a bit more about a proud, defeated hometown that has wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much talent drowning here.  You’re not helping as much as you could be, RRStar.

Why does this concern The Pimps?  This is their most cohesive album to date and possibly their last.  Either way, people ‘not’ from Rockford, IL, should know more about this band too.  This is where you have failed dear city and media of mine for years already by not assisting in a little PR when you had your chance.  WZOK, your mallhair is wearing and sounding a bit too thin.  WXRX, eat a d*ck sandwich for sucking so hard for so long.  RRStar, change your name to, ‘The Onion Jr.’

To all the media outlets in and around Rockford, IL, you’re no different than the major label that cut The Pimps from their budget in 99, trying to blindly leave them behind.  Well, no thanks to you, Rockford, IL, they’ve managed to run a decent hardworking, punk operation anyway for 16 years.  Another job well done.  This is for Sock Monkey Sound and for The Pimps. I salute you.  To the city of Rockford and to the RRStar plus other regional media outlets, iFinger you, wholeheartedly.

Regards,

Andrew Whorehall

PS:  Let me state a point that may have gone missing above (as this letter may be a bit passive, fueled by years of ‘dead air’ readings of the RRStar, and just maybe a little misdirected);  one of the best kept rock n’ roll secrets is Rockford, IL’s punk scene.  How is it that such a fertile ground for amazing musical talent keeps to itself without the industry (what remains of it) blowing its cover?  Easy.  Musicians, bands, songwriters from the midwest have a great knack for shooting themselves in the foot.  Whether it’s done ironically or because it’s our Gah Damn a’Merican right to do it, we’ve some how managed to do it better than most scenes.  It’s a pride thing, I guess.  All of this great music has been boiling over for a long time.  Call it a typical midwestern burden to bear but I’m calling it a joke that’s ran out of laughs.  This self-deprecating attitude is for math rockers and progressive jazz musicians high on country folk abnormalities.  1)  God knows math is not the people of Rockford’s specialty and 2) progressive-jazz-country-folk is for as*holes. You’re welcome.

"To a cool person, stay that way." by The Pimps

Unlike other successful, touring, midwestern bands who were ashamed to call Rockford, IL, their home young in their careers in the 70s and 80s (um, Cheap Trick/Chicago, IL), The Pimps, embraced their roots from the get go often citing Loves Park and Machesney Park as their home-base before settling on the always marketable city name, “Rockford, IL.”  It actually worked for them somehow.  Signing a major label deal in 1999 saw the re-release of their self-made debut record, “To a Cool Person, Stay that Way.”  A punk-funk rock record that was made in Loves Park, IL, at the old Noise Chamber Studios in 1996 and 1997.   The band has been together since 1994 but their roots as friends go much deeper together.  Tony (Bass) & Stu (Vocal/Guitar) have been best friends since they left their mothers respectable wombs.  It starts there. The Pimps are a family of brothers as much as they are a band of musicians.

"More Songs About Drugs With Curse Words" by The Pimps

A well-scripted situation occurred soon after signing with a major label.  About the same time The Pimps were told to change the name of their follow up record the industry was changing, cutting budgets and cutting artists.  ”More Songs About Drugs With Curse Words,”  was made by the same local team (Jimmy Johnson / Noise Chamber) in Rockford instead of agreeing to the label’s L.A. production request.  15 months into a contract, having been featured on the “Mission:  Impossible” soundtrack and various TV song plugs, The Pimps decided they wouldn’t change their record title after one of their label’s parent company reps, Disney, got whiff of it and made a request– and so went The Pimps, another budget cut.

For the better, they worked themselves out of it in control of their career with nothing lost and everything to gain. They already established themselves as a great, touring band with subtle business sensibilities.  The Pimps, to this day, actually still sell merch at every show and get from town to town in a van with equipment towing the rear. The way bands used to- or could simply afford to.  They’ll tell you first hand, ‘it’s not glamourous, gas prices have gone up- blah blah’ but their van is so much smarter than your band’s f*cking van.

The Pimps' also known as the country punk band, 'Sons of Many Bitches'

As the whole industry took a dump and blamed downloaders in the last decade, a band like The Pimps kept movin on to their own beat. They’ve self-released 9 full length records, they sell their own singles online, pay for their own merch production,  pay for their records production- and they tour playing dives 150 nights a year or more.  Many years ago, they (like this writer as well) figured out how to take care of themselves in an economically depressed city called, Rockford, IL.  Some of their last decade’s releases are hit or miss.  Great recorded live moments exploded with color on their alter-ego (Sons of Many Bitches) country punk band’s release, “Outlaw Gold MotherF*cker” and it’s companion EP, “Apparently Uninterested in a Life of Creative Growth or Social Relevance.”  At the same time they released, “Quickly Now Gentlemen, With a Lively Step.”

"Quickly now Gentlemen, with a lively step." by The Pimps

Working, recording, teaching instrument lessons, touring and earning their right to be as lazy when they want to be while we sit at computers in a lame working environment between 8am to 7pm fulfilling someone’s leftover ideas & rules to follow about the American Dream and making money.  What a farce.  The Pimps, repeatedly, make me feel like a sucker everytime I tuck ina shirt and put on khakis.  Why?  Khakis are for church, funerals or even worse, weddings.  Those recent recorded releases sit together as key discography door openers to what happened next in the studio for The Pimps.

“F*ck This Sh*t, We’re Outta Here,” or as I’ll type it for the rest of the article will be referred to as,  FTSWOH.  Not for censorship reasons;  but for typing alone, early arthritis-enabling concerns are on the mind.  This f*ckˆng wrist is killin’ me between writing about music, playing music while designing for other musicians and clients who wear khakis.  Let’s not forget the precious times I have with myself too; lighting a candle, body oil, me on me for hours on end trying to listen to Sáde, slow deep breaths… dogs barking, lawn mowers buzzing.  Nothing kills the mood more like white people in America making domestic noises while their mistrained dogs bark uncomfortably allllll day when you’re trying to get a little love on yourself in the daytime.  Gals are cool too for these kinds of moments, but at some point it does become a financial investment that’s guaranteed to lose more than gain.  Whatever, we’re all gonna lose, mother nature, she or cancer has the cards that read that one line I’ve ripped off from Bob Dylan in his f-you masterpiece of a song, “Desolation Row.” Over and over I recite that line.  Anyway.

Let’s define a band?  Men, once kids, who set out on a mission together as friends & musicians, making mistakes together and enjoying success together.  Another simple us vs. them, old school, rock n’ roll rule… where did that rock n’ roll business sensibility go to?  Did MTV, American Idol, destroy it?  Seems like it, just “blame downloaders.”  The Pimps are five great musicians tied together by some strange brotherly thing you only hear in guys that stay together for a very long time. It’s unheard of now-a-days. Watching them perform live is one of is one of the midwest’s great punk thrills.  They work harder than any local politician, aldermen, etc., when they perform out their perfect, collective craft.  They are truly one of Rockford, IL’s finest artist ensembles to watch live.  They’ll have you questioning yourself;  ”Is this punk?  Is this country?  Is this just rock n’ roll?  Or is this comedy?” Playing music for a living is hard work, it’s supposed to be funny too, yes.  Otherwise, go put on your khakis and tuck in your Target shirt, paint on that perfect smile and die one day.  Sounds like fun.

Stu, Tony, Todd, Hilly and Dave.  Hell, throw road manager G.T.in there.  G.T. is to The Pimps as Albert Grossman was to Dylan, calling the shots most of the time on when, where, how but mainly he’s their friend too.  Albert wasn’t really Bob’s friend, he was a great, Jewish businessman with a monetary agenda that drove Dylan’s musical agenda.  Add different times, different clothes obviously.  To be able to call out the guys’ names like John, Paul, George & Ringo is unheard of now.  Think about it.  Ryan Adams dumped Whiskeytown– whoever they were (Cary Caitlin and Phil Whateversher) and the midwest’s own recent major signing, Cory Chisel, does as he wishes with or without the original Wandering Sons.  It’s just how it is now a days.  Labels can’t quite act like large greedy banks anymore.

The business of music is as suicidal as it’s ever been.  The industry cares about the songwriter in most contractual cases, how does he look first, then, how does he sound?  IS the band good looking too?  IF not, haircuts?  This is one of many selfish, liable contracted reasons why labels ruined their own sales in the 2000s, not downloaders.  Labels used to be known as an artist’s bank.  Now, where I come from? We all know artists can barely pay for a sandwich let alone the 1 million dollars they’re expected to owe back after distribution and touring slots opening for some sh*tty band like Seven Mary 3.  It’s a self-made, self-imploding, a’Merican influenced, capitalist joke of a system set up to steal or fail at some point.  Every artist gets cut at some point.  Even the great ones.  Think about every great label, their heyday, the great records, artists they released… seems like Sony or Time Warner owns everything and every contracted artist in some way, shape or form ends up owned by these 2 conglomerate media monsters… suckers or survivors?

Well, not The Pimps, for better or worse they don’t seem to care where they fit in.

"FTSWOH" by The Pimps

The road alone has taken them to this;  their 2010 release “F*ck This Sh*t, We’re Outta Here,” is a local gem of a production I’m proud to call my hometown’s own.  Not just as an artistic statement but as a pro-Freedom of Speech, American statement.  It’s an explosive, ‘go f*ck yourself and the establishment you represent,’ guitar rock, punk record with honest, lyrical sentiments dressed up in swear words.  The record bursts with great production and tones courtesy of Mark Gustafson (Recording / Engineering), Ed Dulian (Mixing) and Justin Perkins (Mastering) bringing out the aggressive tight performances that have always been known for.  They’ve never sounded this catchy either.

It’s a manipulative listening experience; smart pop-punk songs about capitalism, the music industry, working hard, partying hard, remaining relevant in a cruel world, accepting defeat, doubting victory, sharing the successes or pleasures we all seek, right and wrong. If Tom Waits’ hooked up with the Arctic Monkeys for a weekend binge, well, this is what happens when you get Tom going 130 miles an hour trapped in a Rockford, IL garage.  I’m on to you Stu Johnson;  excessively long song titles and an impressive record collection can’t fool everyone.

Influences run deep on FTSWOH, american desert blues and british garage rock trade rhythm and licks between “A Good Mechanic is Hard to Find” and “These Are The Things, I Know, I Know.” Don’t be ashamed to slam dance in your own kitchen. By the time you get to “Now Michael, it’s just T.V.” you’re ready for an ice cold beer and a foot stompin horse gallop through the house to the front door, lock it.  Now, gals, guys, grab your man or woman or whatever you prefer– this record is it, the perfect accidental aphrodisiac.  Wear a contraceptive, please. FTSWOH gets down and dirty right away, no time to waste, the sun is goin, goin, gone, get movin, try that one thing upside down. Smiles for everyone– including the neighbors and the friends stopping by your house you won’t hear knocking for minutes on end.  This is a fun, explosive, intelligent rock record worthy of many repeated, satisfying listens.

“Oh Those Bilderbergs & Their Kooky Culling Plan” is one of the catchiest a’Merican folk-rock POP songs you’ll hear this year with the worst song title.  Some glorious, fuzz guitar leads dance around Todd’s congo drums.  Normally this is a recipe for pop song failure or an easy way to contract a musical disease called, Don Henley-itis , but the song is some sorta punk-folk-rock-blues a’Mmmmerican magic. ‘Bilderberg’s…‘ may be Stu’s finest documentation as a quick witted, lyricist with something more to say when the reverb is turned down and the crowd goes away;

“If it’s their job to break our hearts,
they’re payed quite well.
Well, I’m not impressed I must remark.
If I had to guess how it all unraveled and came apart?
Well, It’s their job to break our hearts.”

Again.

Dear Rockford Register Star and to other media outlets from this strange place and beyond, please open your ears to one, loud, manic, swan song of a punk-pop record made by one of the Midwest’s great, independent, American, veteran, punk acts.  There’s 2 cover art versions, same songs, however; I prefer the one with the bearded American man eating the large dong sandwich on the cover.

Try to sit still and listen, you’ll possibly fail as you find yourself wondering when one song ends and the other begins. The rewards lay within pausing to replay and sing along with a laugh;  ”I.M. ‘Merica” or handclap your fists off with, “Gun says,’Yes’.”  Again, to repeat myself, the tones, the guitars, the pace, Mark Gustafson (Recording / Engineering) and Ed Dulian (Mixing) should be proud of their tag team effort.  FTSHOH breezes by so quick you’ll forget where your head is at by the time the last song hits– the title song.  It’s a toast to Rockford, the Midwest, hardwork, broken dreams, accepting defeat and sharing successes while singing about it with your friends one last time, moving on and out.  As 33 minutes end, ‘FTSWOH’ is an ultimate toast to themselves and to the hard work they’ve completed as a band of musicians, friends, brothers, family and to the cross roads they’re now at, personally and artistically.

“F*ck this sh*t, we’re outta here.”  Or not.”

dD  |  andywhorehall.com

____________________

The band authorized a free download of one MP3 song to share from their newest record, “Fuck This Shit We’re Outta Here.” Click here to download:

“Oh those Bilderbergs and their kooky culling plans.”

{A conversation between Andy & Josh about family, music, good eats, why the Beatles are overrated & just maybe… tittays.  To Josh Watson’s dad, happy father’s day 2010, this is your son, a hard worker, great guitarist & fine performer.}

By Andrew Whorehall & Josh Watson
(Intro / Outro by dD for Sock Monkey Sound dot com.}

Josh Watson invades Chuck E. Cheese

I was approached by friend & musician, Daniel McMahon, to interview Mr. Josh Watson.  The idea was propositioned by Dan after Josh and he had traded off nasty guitar licks at an after hours party that the future local chain restaurant, Brio, was throwing for people who love After-Hours Potato Martini Drinking Contests. The winner took home the empty Potato Martini glass.  Neither musician won.  Bottom line is this, I’m not sure who won and I’m not sure I care, because;  these two guys are two of the finest guitarists & musicians the midwest has to offer.   Both possessing a large luggage of performance skills, experience, youth, character and punk rock attitude.

I don’t know Josh outside of seeing him in 4-5 different bands the past decade.  He loves cover bands and rightfully so, they’re bread butter winners around these forgotten zips.  His character speaks loud and to the point.  Every time I run into to him he looks me square in the face and says, “Gimme Nickleback, gimme fake tits brah” while raising his index and pinky fingers, others folded, and walking away.  It looks like this, imagine this is someone else’s hand in your face:

\m/

Josh lives rock n roll… so much so he scares me. I firmly believe he goes to the places in his mind that I & others go to alone to find. He doesn’t fool me though. We’ll get to that.

Out of creative fear I sent in my agent, Mr. Andrew Whorehall, to cover me with a list of questions and thoughts for Josh, to figure out Joshua Watson, hang with him for a bit and discuss some stuff… stuff n’ thangs. It was not something I could do without Mr. Whorehall. I believe Josh is fooling everyone around Rockford, IL, superior guitar skills while playing the cover band make a buck game to a T and knowing that at any moment if offered- he’s outta here for something better.

________________

On Tue, 6/8/10, Mr. Andrew Whorehall wrote:

From: Andrew Whorehall
Subject: Wattamess Watson: 21 Loaded Questions for Josh Watson.
To: imjoshwatson@yahoo.com
Date: Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 7:58 PM

Joshua,
it’s a pleasure, you’re the first local musician interview/conversation attempted for Sock Monkey I’ve been asked to partake in.  Let me put it to you like this;  You’re my virgin, I am your car, whatever happens here will not stay here, I will tell everyone about it, good and bad. Anything you say in return will not be edited to cover up the truth, use your words wisely- especially if you just got dumped or drunk.  Anything I say will be edited. With that being said, I will correct some of your written grammar if needed without changing your voice, your slang, your acronyms, your spirit.  Let it rip, Josh, here we go.

Andrew Whorehall {AW}: I’ve seen you play in many bands and you always stick out.  Be it on the guitar, the mic or casually prowling behind and in front of others- tell me a bit about your background, where you grew up, your parents influence, did they push you or stray you from music?  Did you ever tell them something you regret but never had a chance to apologize for, this is the place, tell me and I’ll share it with everyone so we forgive you for them publicly.

Joshua Watson {Josh}: I grew up on the west side of Rockford, IL and I still live on the west side today. As long as I live in this town I’ll never leave the west side. I did live in Princeton, IL for one year of my life in 1987.  My dad took a job down there and I f*cking hated it. I was so glad to come back to my friends here.  I wouldn’t say my parents pushed music on me. They bought me a sh*itty little muppets “drumset” when I was 2. Then the following 2 years they upgraded me to something better each Christmas.  So, yeah, I started out as a drummer.  Actually, I didn’t even start playing guitar til I was about 9 and it happened to be that year I lived in Princeton so I guess something good came from living in that town for a year.

Naw, I’ve never told my parents anything I’ve regretted. My parents are amazing.

AW: Funny how the Muppets marked your musical life somehow as it marked mine when the Ps bought me the “The Muppet Movie Soundtrack” record.  This is loaded, one thing I’ve noticed from a distance (facebook stalking) is that you have a great work ethic.  Many people around these sh*tty zip codes assume you party hard all the time, a man about town– you don’t fool me though, you work hard and I know it, a hunch.  How many jobs are you currently holding down and are you finding it a bit more difficult to balance all the responsibilities it takes to pay bills and commit to playing in so many bands?

Josh: I don’t party all the time.  I know that’s difficult to believe. I save that for Friday and Saturday.  I may, once in a while, do a bottle of wine or a 6 pack of Bud Heavys after UPS one night, but not so often.  The 2 jobs I work are actually fairly easy.  Guzzardo’s I love. Its great to sit around and talk about music and gear with people all day. UPS on the other hand, it’s run its course.  The pay and free benefits are a bonus though.  There is just so much bullsh*t you hafta deal with there.  I actually play in all these bands to help with the bills and drinking money.  My work schedule is Sunday thru Thursday so I never have a difficult time playing a gig– unless of course Stu Johnson decides the Sons of Many Bitches (the country-punk rock alter-ego of veteran midwesterners, The Pimps) needs to do a Wednesday night at Krypto.

AW: Jobs with benefits are rarities around here, at least you know that’s why you’re still doing it.   It’s a hard trade off man, I get  it, your time for benefits and how much is your time really worth when it’s run it’s course and you have so many other positive skills to offer given the right time and opportunity?  I believe it’s all about demographics, Josh, we’ll come back to that later.  Movin on- how many of your Facebook friends are really your friends? Do you ever feel the need to delete them for kicks?  What are your thoughts on using a scrabble bag of letters to randomly delete people from your facebook profile?

Josh: I can actually say a lot of them are my friends. I can’t give you a specific number.  There are many people on my friends list I have lotsa love for. I never delete people.  I usually will just hide them, but the scrabble thing is kinda a good idea so maybe I’ll start deleting some folks just to try it.

AW: You should, I do it all the time and more often than not it’s just good to remind yourself that Facebook means nothing outside of being a marketing tool that destroys our own lives along with many others if you know how to tag people properly in uncomfortable pictures.  I use it to destroy anything good about my other personality.  The internet is just one big free advertising orgy. Use your firewalls and change your name because Big Brother is using all of your personal data to monopolize ad dollars.  They’ll tell you it’s for national security but that’s a lie too.  Your friends will understand if you accidently delete them regardless.

Do you ever feel the urge to quit playing music altogether? Moments of frustration you know?  Some musicians say it hits when they show up 3 hours away for a gig and 4 people are there, then it happens again, and the frustration grows.   How do you, as a musician and a tax-paying American, balance the dream and reality?

Josh: I’ll never stop playing music, it’s the one thing I’m some what good at. It’s my life.  Even now that I’m in cover bands, I’m not ruling out never doing an original thing again.  I think the Sons should start writing more and doing more of our own material. I would love to write with Stu and Tony. I would love to quit my jobs and do the damn thing.   I could.  I don’t really have any bills, a wife or kids.  If someone had the life to make the dream into a reality it would be me.  It’s just a lot easier said than done.  The only moments of frustration I’ve had playing was when i was in an original band and the above things you mention would happen more often than not.  It gets old.  Also when you have band members whose hearts aren’t into as much as yours?  That’s also frustrating.

AW: Wives and babies change everything, Josh.  I’ve been married 8 times, there’s so little time for one wife.  No kids luckily, my demon seed is fine, fortunately.  I just don’t see the benefit of having children in these tough times, especially because of personal demographics, until it’s legal to sell them on Ebay. Have you ever considered being a scientist or mayor of Rockford? Do you feel the latter is a bit more achievable than the former job career I mentioned if you stay in Rockford, IL?

Sons of Many Bitches (The Pimps)

Josh: When I’m drunk I like to believe I’m a scientist. I would like to run for mayor, but people would just think I was trying to rip Jesus off.  So I’ll prolly never run.  Maybe Alderman or County Board though.  My grandparents have been on both of those. “My Grandma is on the County Board!” is another one of my favorite quotes.  If I ever do run for county board I’d run on the promise that I’d change this ‘stupid strip club law.’   Really?   I gotta drive 45 minutes to see some g*d damn titties?  That’s bullsh*t!   My Grandma is on the board right now. I tell her all the time to do something about it.   Don’t think she’s gonna make it work for me.

AW: One of the most ridiculous problems holding back our local economy is the fact we, as law abiding hard working citizens, have to drive so far to see some beautiful skin.  It makes no sense.  I could not agree more because this is why I’ve been divorced 8 times.  Wives #5&6 were strippers, cousins, can you believe that luck, Josh?  Only in Rockford, IL.  Is there anywhere else in this world you want to play music and possibly feel less stress about making a living or having to drive farther to see what man & woman has earned the right to enjoy?

Josh: Austin, or in the Dallas area.  There’s a station down there called the Range outta Fort Worth. Great station all Americana type music. The guitar players all wanna be Keith and Ronnie.  I’d love it.  They play all a bunch of local cats and the station is all about them.

AW: Ahhhh, Ronnies…. they stole him from Rod and Ian, one of my favorite band, The Faces.  You know they had 2 great Ronnies?  Ronnie Wood and Ronnie Lane.  Check out Rod’s, “Never a Dull Moment.“ His finest post-Faces work because of Ronnie Wood, he co-wrote and played on many of those great British, folk-rock tunes.  Do you have any pets like, say a gold fish, dog, anything?  If you have a cat, skip the details, I don’t want to talk about cats.  If not why not?

Josh: I hate cats.  I think cats are only good for punting.  It’s probably because I tormented my Aunt’s cat as a child.  ‘Sugar’ was the cats name.  That thing fucking hated me.  I have a dog named ‘Otto.’  He’s one of my hero’s. He’s a husky/shepherd mix.  That f*cker has got it made too.

AW: Man, all dogs have it made.  I really believe dogs are more honorable than humans.   Have you ever asked fellow musicians for girl advice? Do you find their opinions to be bloated and hedonistic?   Since we’re on the subject, what do you think of squirrels and chefs?

Josh: One of my best friends of 25 years is a musician, so of course I’ve asked him for advice.  His opinions are NOT too bloated or hedionstic, there are plenty of musicians opinions whose are though– prolly including myself, ha.

Squirrels are just rats with a bushy tails. Have you’ve ever been to Canada?  The Squirrels are black up there.I love chefs. I’m fat, I love food.

AW: No, I’ve never been to Canada, I’m afraid I’ll love it.  I need to be somewhere I loathe to create.  You’ve perfected the art of playin’ in a cover band, the Stones, the Crowes coming up, have you ever considered your own band? I ask because you’re too good of a performer and guitarist to continue playing in bands with local indie has-beens– like Mark Muraski of Golden Rocket and Stu Johnson of Sarkoma. ; )

Josh: I’ve been writing my own stuff since 5th grade, I still do.  I was in an original band with the same guys for many years. We eventually became the Buddha Nuggs then the Van Dammits.  We recorded 2 cd’s and played a lot shows. It was fun but a lot of hard work.  Even more hard work when only half the band is really into it.  I’d love to do an original thing again, if I can find the right guys.  Actually Stu and Mark would prolly be 2 guys I’d wouldn’t mind being involved in an original project with.

Tony Crisman (The Pimps / Sons of Many Bitches) performs with Josh, right.

AW: Stu & Mark are great musicians, collaborators, much to learn from both those guys as well.  It’s too bad about The Van Dammits, Josh, good band.  Seems like a lotta good bands split when the work starts to pay off a  bit and larger opening slots get booked, etc.   I’ve never understood it from my perspective around these parts.  It’s as if we all want to secretly quit at everything that starts to go good to prove some sort of self-destructive point because at the end of the day when the work is done, we’re still living in Rockford, IL.  I’m under the assumption you’ve played with everyone.  Anyone locally you want to play in a band with you haven’t had a chance to yet? (NOTE:  You can’t say “Cheap Trick.”  I will not allow it because Geo Braun, journalist, from the Rockford Register Star has that band covered quite well.  She’s a groupie is my theory.)

Josh: Man I have played with a lot great musicians in this town. I haven’t really thought about it..  I’d really like to play with Steve Van Horn. He’s the man on Drums. We always talk about it when I’m drunk. lol, but it just has never happened yet.

AW: Steve’s a name I keep hearing in different circles as well, great drummer who hides that fact- thanks for blowing his cover. You own many things, on your Facebook page you state, “I pretty much own the tri-state area” I agree with reservation and it’s dependent on this next question:  Have you ever wanted to own a sitar? Prove me wrong, seems like a pretty pointless instrument, right? Snobs use it, dare to be different pop stars, would you agree? The Beatles were praised for using it, George Harrison with his foo foo beliefs and middle eastern flavors tried to ruin late 60s rock n’ roll wouldn’t you say?  Is this why you prefer the Stones over the Beatles?

Josh: I haven’t owned a sitar.  I wouldn’t say its a pointless instrument. We actually used to have an electric one at Guzzardo’s that I was gonna use to record a part on a Van Dammit’s song. It would have fit perfectly.  It never happened though.  I couldn’t tell you what the first song the Beatles used a sitar on but Brian Jones played one on Paint It Black and that came out in ’66.  I prefer the Stones to the Beatles because I love my rock n roll Loud, Live, sloppy, sexy, dirty; in your face, 3 chords, guitar weaving, driven– and the fab four just don’t do that for me. Great songwriters, musicians, huge influence.  Just not my cup of tea.

AW: Not my cup of tea either, too many songs about love and loving and feeling the love and needing the love, what a songwriting cop out for these ears.  I’m happy you mentioned Brian Jones, subconsciously I knew he was tied to the Sitar movement too but was blanketed by rock n’ roll tragedy.

I’ll take the Kinks over the Beatles and Stones, Stones easily trump Beatles in a runners up race.   Songs about common men, relationships damaged, not so perfect vocals but honest intentions, rock n’ roll for me is the Kinks.  Ray & Dave Davies’ smarmy songs never get old.  I want to meet the characters in their tunes, but the Beatles?  Yawn.  Eleanor Rigby?  She sounds like a log.  Fr. Mackenzie?  Who cares, the Fr. in McCartney’s tune doesn’t.  Rita, the meter maid?  Sounds like a girl trying to be a dude dressed in military clothes serving tea- cmon, that’s crazy.

Take McCartney, you can’t trust him as a writer, why?  The guy left his 2nd wife who has one leg- you don’t leave a wife with one leg, period. The Beatles?  Never rock n’ rolled after “Beatles For Sale.”   They lost the plot personally, roof top performances don’t count either, a marketing gimmick. That’s all the Beatles were in the end.  Positively speaking, they found it ‘artistically’ after 1965 on record, but that doesn’t mean they rock n’ rolled. (George Martin found it for them, artistically.)  Bottom line, there’s no great Beatles record without George Martin. The record they did with Phil Spector, “Let It Be” is trying, boring, a power battle between too many egos.  When it comes to their live reputation?  The Beatles are a spotty, British, bar band with nice mod clothes tailor made to put on for shows at their thespian best.

Soap box over, man, sorry.  Speaking of classic rock gods and performing,  as a child, did you ever say out loud to your parents about the other kids your age, “f*ck their He-Man dolls, I wanna shred some faces off brah”?

Josh: No way man.  I loved He-Man, GI Joes, Lego’s, Hot Wheels.  Actually when I was that young I was all about baseball. I thought for sure one day I was going to play for the Cubs.

AW: Thank god you never played for them! Lovably losing is not cool.  For many years I pretended I was Ryne Sandberg against Bruce Sutter of the Cardinals, 1984, when he hit those homers in the extra inning game.  That still marks my childhood memories.  Then I grew up  and realized the Cardinals represent winners, not lovable losers.  The Cubs are the picture perfect example of a business that takes from the poor to feed the rich.

Do you consider Oasis a classic rock band or not?  What are your thoughts on the brothers’ Gallgher? Choose your words wisely, they did tour with the Robinson brothers (Black Crowes) which I hear you consider the inheritors to the Stones’ mantle.

Josh: I like Oasis especially their first 2 albums.  I saw them opening night at the then Rosemont Horizon right after ‘Whats the Story’ came out.  Noel was singing.  They wrote some good catchy tunes.  The Gallagher Bros are a bunch of wankers though. A Bunch of f*cking sods.  I did catch them on the ‘Brotherly Love’ tour too with the Crowes with Liam singing, I thought they sounded much better. I consider Guns n Roses inheritors of the Stones mantle too. I’m talking Appetite GnR. To too bad Axl is such a stupid f*ck face. They probably coulda went on to do great things.

AW: Isn’t “Champagne Supernova” the ultimate show closer for any cover band though?  Would you ever name a band or your child, “Champagne Supernova”?  Please offer us some baby names to consider because many people in Rockford love making babies- do you?

Josh: If and when I ever have babies they will be named:
Trays On, Shots On and of course Drinks On.

AW: Triplets?! Loads! On your facebook info page you state you are a “Conservative” but you’ve also been caught many times saying, “Sit on My Face,” and “I own this God Damn town.” Many conservatives may not like your opinions or ability to ride the fence, how do you feel about Al Gore winning the election in 2000, getting robbed by the conservative movement with help from the Supreme Court?  Don’t you think 2000-2008 may have been a bit different without crazy conservatives in office?

Josh: I actually voted for Gore. I’m a moderate conservative. More fiscal conservative. I don’t give a flying f*ck what hardcore right-wingers think.  Same goes for the far left.  I tend to lean right.  Everyone I know is more liberal.  Used to make for some fun drunk debates.  Who knows if those 8 years woulda been different. Probably not.  Gore’s a f*cking douchebag.  All politicians are. I bet his wife left him because he lost though. Poor chap.  There’s something else the left can blame Bush about– haha, Gore’s marriage ending! I’ve lost interest in politics.  All they care about is money and getting re-elected.  F*ck em. I used to watch the cable news shows and get all fired up.  Now I just watch ESPN and Billy the Exterminator on A & E.

AW: Caring for American politics has become trivial.  I realized my vote really didn’t matter in 2000 after Gore was instructed to give up the argument, I adopted the notion that the wrestling sport I enjoyed as a child was just as real as politics and elections. On Saturday at 5:57am on Facebook you said:   “actually.. I dont even GIVE a F*CK!!!! I need to hang out on the east side! Im wasting my f*cking time” I occasionally go to Buffalo Wild Wings to escape my side of town or to the always amazing Old Chicago for Italian Nachos.  It’s so different than, say, hanging out with a potato martini and hot chicks in high heels at Brio, correct?  Occasionally I hit the Lung Fung for a Banana Pineapple Smoothie too, have you tried it yet?  Mossy Vaughn (The Heavils, Lizard Skynard) recently sent me to Chen’s for some delicious eats- have you tried them yet?  What’s your favorite local eats?  Which nationality makes the best food for Josh?  Please explain where you were wasting your time as well.

Josh: Haha thats just another great “I’m feeling sorry for myself moment.” I felt down on my luck because I was unable find any random chick to take home and spoon.  It happens sometimes.  I meant the east side, just to try and find some new chicks to hang out with.  In the words of Keith Richards “Sometimes you just need to change the backdrop!“ It might be easier over there. Haha, Chens is the jam man, I haven’t eaten there in a while. Lung Fung is amazing too haven’t tried the smoothie tho.  Asian Cuisine is hands down my favorite for good eats even tho i’ll just about eat anything you put in front of me.  Except fish, unless of course its between a chicks legs.

AW: Speaking of chicks and fish sticks sandwiches, you’ve played everywhere in Rockford, imagine you’re a tour guide now. Where are the hottest waitresses and bartenders with no personalities to meet if you’re a stranger passing through the Rock River Valley?

Josh: Who gives a shit about personality?  Show yo fawkin tits!

AW: Tshirt in production now, you get copyright.   Where are the nicest, maybe not so pretty ones with great personalities and good conversations? Nevermind, no one cares.  Back to really hot gals;  On June 3rd at 10:17pm you said, “hmm I dunno what it is but in the past few weeks I’ve seen more hot moms at guzzardos than the whole past 7 years Ive worked there.. word must be out that I know Ryan Moore.” WHO is Ryan Moore and why should every man know this man to know hot moms?  Have you ever tried Target? They have hot moms there too.

Josh: Ryan Moore is one of my best friends who prefers cougars.  He’s on the prowl for cougars– anywhere.

AW: Ryan sounds like a hero to all men and women too.   Ok Josh, I’ve gotten off track, I knew you were gonna be good game for this but I’m gonna get serious for the last two questions.  Your dad is a major inspiration, on May 29th at 2:29am you said on Facebook, “theres nothing better than drinking beer and listening to the stones at 2 am than with my old man.. greatest f*cking times ever!!” You do know how lucky you are, correct?  Not many of us men get to drink a beer and listen to the Stones til 2am with dad- that’s a pretty rare feat and I want to talk about your dad a bit being that Father’s Day is approaching. It seems he may have the greatest influence on you as a musician?  Yes?  No?  You guys ever punch each other in the arm for kicks? Seems like he’s a cool dad, how did he approach you about the birds and the bees as a kid? All my dad said to me was,  ”keep your zipper up.”  He was being very wise and I love him for that but you and I know hot ladies like BBQ fish sticks sandwiches, orange juice and loose zippers, correct?

Josh: Yeah man I’ve been dealt a great hand in life.  Great family, friends. Lotsa luck.  My pops is a big influence on me.  He plays guitar.  He taught me some of the basic things for playing guitar and I just kinda went from there.  He’s a huge Stones fan also.  Thats where I get it.  I’ll put money on it that there isn’t another Father/Son duo that has seen the Stones 40 times together across the Country. Matter of fact he drunk dialed me lastnite, he was watching some Stones on blu-ray and was like, “Man next time you come down here we’re gonna put this motherf*cker on!  Keith is on fire!”  He gave me “Exile On Main Street” on casette for Christmas in 1987 every since then I’ve played guitar. I knew right then and there, “ok I’m a guitar player now.”  I don’t think we’ve ever punched eachother in the arm, ha. F*ck, I think all he ever told me was to ‘wrap it up.’  We never really sat down and had “the” talk. Hot ladies do LOVE fish sandwiches and loose zippers!

AW: YES, they do!  And orange juice!  OJ and ribs too!   Alright Josh, name off 10 songs you can’t live without for one reason or another….. then name off 10 songs you play with all of your bands you can’t wait to play again and again.  Also, if you’d like to ask me a question, your turn, do it here and I’ll give ya what I got to conclude this piece.

Josh: Well you know the Stones have recorded over 400 songs so this might be hard to narrow down..
Wild Horses
Tumblin’ Dice
Beast Of Burden
Gimme Shelter
Jumpin’ Jack Flash
Memory Motel
Before They Make Me Run
Love In Vain
Moonlight Mile
Far Away Eyes — this will change tomorrow I’m sure

AW: Man, I love, love, love Far Away Eyes, for me– the finest Stones moment.

Josh: I love to play these songs:
Jumpin’ Jack Flash
Midnight Rambler
Wild Horses
Good Hearted Woman
Amos Moses
Sometimes Salvation
Thorn In My Pride
Descending
and if the Van Dammits ever do a reunion show.. Titties N Fiddies and No Shame
And now for you Mr. Whorehall.. Would you agree that “gimme Nickleback, gimme fake tits” is the greatest line Donkey Boy (USA), has ever written?

AW: dBUSA is one of my clients… I argued that line by the way, it’s too ironic.  Let’s be honest, Josh, it’s a… physically handicapped line.  It’s no different than the band it mocks, Nickelback, or the fake fun bags it pokes at.  Mainly it pokes at the people that support these items.  Americans love sh*tty music and hot chicks with fake tits.  Some days I consider myself an a’Merican male too, not today.  I’ve been feeling British of late.  I know it brings smiles for us but in some regards many people believe Nickleback and fake tits are good things.  They’re not.  They’re poison.  Planet Earth would be so much healthier minus those two.  It’s a part of America that scares the sh*t out of some of us.  Stu Johnson and the Pimps found something punk in it dBUSA didn’t find yet in the studio.   The song was a bit more political in nature with many references to Georgie Jr. and Oil fields before Stu and dBUSA rewrote half of via text messaging to be a touch more sexist, a’Merican- rather than political.   A smart move for rock n’ roll and entertainment’s sake.  Just a little middle finger is all it is.

The greatest line though? Hasn’t happened yet.  When it does, I’m writing a check in your name for that nasty country-rock guitar solo you knocked out for dBUSA’s/Pimps version of, “I.M. a’Merica.”  Cheers man, you got a drink on me next time we run into each other.

Best of luck and safe travels,
Mr. Andrew Whorehall

Josh recording during the Sons of Many Bitches debut record.

__________________________________________________________

So concludes Andrew Whorehall and Josh Watson’s email exhange.
Thanks for your time guys, especially Josh– I know you got two jobs and a gig somewhere to get to.
For Sock Monkey Sound and Dan McMahon,
I leave you, Josh, with ownership rights on this piece.

dD  |  andywhorehall.com

Confusing, comedic, stuff n’ things I love about Andrew Kaufman yet loathe about Michael Jordan and Jesus fans.

Starring Randall Poffo  and Robert Zimmerman too.
{Performance art, conspiracies, wrestling, comedic methods & communication devices plus a mix tape playlist to consider before telling someone to F*ck off.
Warning: This could get messy, chances are it will.}

by Dave DeCastris

Andy, Mike, Randy and Bob.

There are many ways to tell someone off.  There are many ways to get a point across without swearing.  The silent treatment works wonders, it really does, but does it really get the point across?  Music always seems to deliver the finest f-off messages known to man.  Wrestling, comedy, poems can send a message loud and clear too.

While most kids worshiped Han Solo, I preferred Boba Fett, an assassin who played both sides as perfectly as he could while letting actions speak for demands made of him.   He did as told but only upon payment.   Not much different than being an American in 2010, yes?  Boba Fett eventually suffered a pointless character death much so like his creator’s (George Lucas) film career– off the deep end and into the quicksands of time.  The string of late 1990s Star Wars films confirms what I felt as a child, no connection at all to George Lucas’s films, zero beginning and zero closure.  In some ways this was one of the loudest-yet-silent F-offs handed to an entire generation in favor of trying to please the masses through pop cultural methods; toys, value meals, underroos.

Enter a few taunting pop culture art forms, comedy and wrestling.   Each field led by true anti-artists whose legacies are proving to be far greater an artistic achievement than George Lucas’ film career;  Andy Kaufman and Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Macho Man Randy Savage prepares to body slam the Lord's mom while Mean Gene & friends wonder WTF is goin on?

Sith Lord Kaufman

According to various rumors, Randall Macho Man Poffo has been banned from the WWF (WWE) for life.  A roman tragedy.  The juiciest rumor implies that Savage may have slept with wrestling mogul, Jim McMahon’s daughter, Stephanie, who was 18 at the time (and super muscular, just the way Randy likes them.). I’ve chosen to believe the report that he refused to merge his career in the direction Jim McMahon was going with business and cable TV plans.  He bailed on McMahon taking one of wrestling’s major endorser, Slim Jim, with him elsewhere.  McMahon’s enterprise returned the favor with a lifetime ban.   The latter is the truth, it killed the art of enjoying wrestling for performance art’s worth over enjoying football or other fake, scripted, American sports like the NBA for many people.

The NBA is a modern day version of the 1980s WWF, It has never survived the loss of it’s main, marketable, Roman Hero character, Air Jordan.  The NBA struck gold with Michael, he becoming the ultimate prima-donna-prototype for marketing an overpaid, egotistical, ball hog.  A champion on the court (as was scripted by the NBA) but his off court actions proves otherwise.  To error is human.   Horrible gambling habits (enough so that what he gambles would save a city from economic depression) that forced him to take an early retirement to, uh, play baseball for the same owner that ran the NBA team he played for. Hmm, coincidence?  No– character protection.  His divorce, which warranted a very quick settlement, was the most paid settlement in the history of divorce settlements at the time, 2006.   Juanita turns out smarter than Mike in business ventures.  (A note to very successful men, stay  away from strippers and the thousand dollar an hour escorts.)   I wouldn’t doubt his divorce is financially backed as well and has been paid and protected for by the NBA to protect it’s biggest marketable image. Call it a conspiracy but I wouldn’t put it past the NBA for investment and profit gain reasons alone remaining on Jordan’s image, legacy and the NBA’s growing mistrust from the public.  An early, quick retirement from the NBA were amidst gambling allegations that I still believe were forced down upon by the NBA to protect his on-court marketable image as many sports critics smarter than I believe as well.

"Air Head" by Andy Whorehall | Buy an archival print of this for around $5000.82 at http://rararararasaidthegrizzlybear.com

I just offered a pretty slimy set of assumptions but hiding the facts are not an uncommon practice for American, capitalist-like business models merged with athletics to pull off for profit and protection.  Face it, it’s best to be a fan of nothing sports related because advertising and marketing athletics is about as slimy as tag-team American capitalism gets– Real Estate and Banking are closing in so fast they’re rewriting the American Dream everyday, rich scumbags everywhere making fools out of you and me.  Liars everywhere, doubt every product, every sale, doubt every word including these.

Now, I’m not blaming Michael, let’s blame the NBA for making the character they made and portrayed for profit and protection.  After all, Jordan is anything but air, he is simply human as proven by his actions off the court.  What did he do again that was so great?  He put little orange balls through a metal red rim.  Big deal. A different kind of performance artist I’d rather not enjoy nor trust with my dollars and sense.

Andy Kaufman’s career, life, is the blueprint for perfecting performance art and placing trust in the buyer;  a believer in a limited abstract craft like Andy’s– to make people laugh and think simultaneously.  Living art. Kaufman possessed communication skills that blurred the line between reality and performance art, a true gift.  He regularly, like Bob Dylan, referred to himself as being a “song and dance man” instead of a comedian or entertainer.  His abstract ability to confuse yet humor, with no gray area, is a communication skill you understand or you don’t from a listening and viewing perspective.  Andy’s abstract comedic style was no less different than the great Randy Macho Man Savage’s wrestling persona too.  One phrase could define their parallel skills as being, “in your face.” Randy enjoyed talking too much to the camera and Andy enjoyed messing with the camera to get inside the heads of those on the other side of it, us.

Watch Macho Man sell the Slim Jim goods with an opening line that altogether mocks art and literature; “Art thou bored?” Some unlucky sap making 24k/year working in an ad firm probably wrote that line for him to which I offer, thank you– you’re brilliant but I hope you left advertising, it’s scummy.

I never quite understood the Star Wars thing as my school mates did but when Andy merged comedy with wrestling, it was unlike anything you’d beg your parents to take you to, to see on the big screen.  Excitement and comedic awe awaits every old Andy clip I can find.  So much so I’d rather watch old footage of Andy Kaufman than talk to another human being about how my or your day has been.  Here’s an example, Andy giving hygiene lessons to hillbillies after a wrestling match went bad in Memphis:

Seeing Andy wrestle on TV in the Southern league was free on Saturday and late Sunday morning airings with recaps on ABC sometimes.  People my age around me forget wrestling used to air from Midwestern high school gyms like Boylan H.S. in Rockford, IL, the middle of nowhere.  The arenas and cable TV fought for ad dollars, rights and larger venues eventually leaving markets like Rockford’s in the dark aside from a yearly visit to the Metro Centre for TNT Nitro events.   Wrestling over the course of the late 70s to the early 90s rose to squash specific hillbilly-like municipal markets with awesome, target-audience, precision.

Andy spent about 3 and a half years chasing his childhood dream after he decided being on TV’s hit show, “Taxi”, was below him and needed to offset that paying job with one that didn’t pay a dollar to entertain.

Sith Lord Andy takes a beating from a lady....

Jerry Lawler, Andy’s main nemesis in the Southern (Memphis) league, eventually confessed it was all a hoax they scripted 10 years after Andy’s rumored death from lung cancer in 1984.  NOTE: Kaufman never smoked but told many close to him his final joke would be faking his death to escape the public’s eye.  Andy is or was awesome whatever you choose to believe.  Imagine being a kid, wondering what the hell Andy Kaufman was going to do next?  I never believed the news of his death then and now.  I refuse to believe he ever died.  Maybe the greatest song and dance act is the last one either way.

For my money, I’ve learned more about how one should tell someone off from Andy Kaufman’s actions over anyone else.  Have you ever faced a question or statement you don’t want to reply to?  Recite a lyric from a song or book, never show the cards.  Not even Jesus perfected the art of a comeback, being nice got him killed, right?  He was a passive pushover and died for what?  To forgive you and me?  Sorry, that’s foo foo and if I’m wrong I’d be more than willing to discuss why at the gates of a mythological place called Heaven.  Let’s face the facts the media fails to advertise, he wasn’t white and that beard is questionable.

A virgin miracle, white and bearded? Sure.

People with power issues still make decisions to fight for possession of oil, land, control for financial gain, growth and what nots.  “If you’re real, go forgive them, Jesus.  I’m doing ok forgiving myself.” Good health, instead of forgiveness from a super-hero sold by religious organizations, goes a lot farther in this cruel world.   Science 1, Art 0.

Being silent is a wonderful act if you’ve got someone to tell off- it’s the christian thing to do, sure, but being nice and quiet gets a person nowhere in this world.  It’s all about survival.  See Michael Jordan, a great liar;  SUPER rich and SUPER creepy just like chefs who run businesses can be.  See Randy “Macho Man Savage”, a large, muscular, loud liar;  Slim Jim paid for his retirement but greed and possibly hot sex with an 18 year old daughter of the employer he worked for got him banned from wrestling.  See Bob Dylan, one of the best liars ever, he may have made lots of children with many ladies in many states, he may have not- the song and dance champ, a prophet even, maybe.  Andy Kaufman, my personal favorite liar, died of lung cancer but never smoked and still makes me laugh consistently for over 30 years.

They didn’t so much as tell lies or act out lies, they perfected them and made people believe in their craft regardless of profession.  A beautiful result combining performance art & silently telling everyone off their way without ever having to use the F word.  An example, Andy performs “The Great Gatsby” on national TV– Saturday Night Live, please sit through his awful, fake, English accent and listen to the audience get testy, it’s brilliant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL3Dp6Oh3Fw
{ed note- Embedding is disabled for this video so you have to follow the link to check it out.}

Andy was known to read the entire Great Gatsby on his college stand-up gigs, often driving them to the exit door when they realized, “this is not a joke, this is real, f*ck him.”

Sometimes you just have to let it out though, holding in all those F words do come in handy.  The greatest live television moment regarding telling someone off came courtesy of the David Letterman show in 1982 starring Andy Kaufman and Jerry “The King” Lawler.  Lawler was a very popular wrestler in the late 70s and was approached by Andy to start a feud.  The feud blurred the lines between reality and art.  Take a look and learn from the greatest Andy moment ever on how to use the F word properly:

I always imagine I’m Andy takin’ the initial hit, Jerry Lawler’s hand slap, just to earn the right to snap on those I consider my demon Jerrys;  friends, family, the general public, Wal-Mart, a’Merica, shady athletes, perverted politicians, our deceitful government, banks, my mortgage loan officer, employers and bad bosses I never had a chance to call their initial, pathetic, bluffs on.  Most times an act of silence works well but there’s still no closure and passive thoughts accumulate regardless.

... & still became Womens Wrestling Champ

If swearing isn’t your thing, consider digging out your old cassette or CD boom-box and pulling a John Cusack (watch “Say Anything” if you’re too young to know) with a Bob Dylan song.  Instead of playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” really loud, gather the song I’ll reveal below as performed by many artists.  Burn them to a disc or dub them from cassette to cassette– another age old, pointless, romantic art form that died with technology and the advancement of womens rights to deny such meaningless, chivalrous acts.

Only one song must be shared with your emotional offender.  The point can not be made otherwise. This mix will prove your love’s lasting worth and provide the friendship a stronger base to move forward with on separate paths.  The message in Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” could go both ways depending on which lyrics one retains or recites, depending on days and moods.  The song metaphorically represents 2 very famous, emotional, ‘F’ word statements and how to use them simultaneous upon delivery; “I f*rgive you” and “go f*ck yourself.”

Sith Lord Zimmerman

If playing this song doesn’t work, send her a box of Manolo shoes with abstract, red, Bic penned engravings on the leather. If she’s not a shoes kinda gal, send her more than a few $10 gift certificates to Wal-Mart and Cinnabon inside a box of non-vegetarian items– assuming most women are now vegetarians too.  Seriously though, too each their own, but what’s up with many gals not eating the meat?  You’re missing out.  Now, for you women needing advice on what to send a guy;  send him a box of Star Wars figures with the arms missing or half of a Michael Jordan (or Ted Williams) rookie card.  If he’s not that type of guy and you fear he may find that rather funny, just send him a 3-night vacation package to Rockford, IL with a gift card that can only be used for coffee and books at the property located at 1280 South Alpine Road, Rockford, IL.  He’ll love the coffee & hot chicks that used to party hard there.  He’ll never be able to thank you properly.

Back to the boom-box, approach your offender, stand tough, arms above you like that sad sap Cusack character and press the ‘Play/Pause’ button down.

Stand like this, you'll need a boom-box but skip the trench coat, that's creepy.

Side A

1. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Bob Dylan / Live At The Gaslight – 1962

2. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Ramblin’ Jack Elliott / Vanguard Visionaries

3. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Billy Paul / The Best of Billy Paul

4. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Bryan Ferry / Frantic

5. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Johnny Cash / Orange Blossom Special

6. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Peter, Paul and Mary / Best of

7. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Elvis Presley / Walk a Mile In My Shoes

8.  “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Melanie / As I See It Now

9.  “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” – Ted Lennon (W/Brett Dennen) / The Calm

10. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right (Demo)” – Bob Dylan / The Bootleg Series, Vol. 7: No Direction Home

Side B

11. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Waylon Jennings / Phase One 58-64

12. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  John Martyn / London Conversations

13. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Bob Dylan / The Bootleg Series, Vol. 6: Bob Dylan Live 1964 – Concert at Philharmonic Hall

14. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Nick Drake / Tanworth-in-Arden

15. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Donkey Boy (USA) / & The Anthony Graigs < Free MP3

16. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (Performing as The Wonder Who?) / Jersey Beat

17. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Bob Dylan & The Band / Before The Flood

18. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Odetta / Odetta Sings Dylan

19. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Mike Ness / Cheating at Solitaire

20. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” –  Bob Dylan / The Freewheelin Bob Dylan

Many different versions of the same song, the same words but delivered with different emotions.  Depending on the day and moods, one always hits home. Whatever you do, DO NOT include Joan Baez’s version. If you’re asked why she’s missing from the mix, vaguely recite a different Dylan line from the masterpiece, “Desolation Row”;  “I had to rearrange their faces and give them all another name.”

Who cares what follows, your subject is thinking too hard for once.  Remember to do as Andy sometimes would do to people, practice stage hypnosis.  Don’t smile, everyone wants you too but you’ll lose the wheel, bye-bye closure.  Finally, wait for your subject to stare back or get angry for no reason, then, turn around and walk away.  Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

(For Joe Angileri, the perfect laugh for an F bomb story featuring real people and events.)

dD  |  andywhorehall.com

___________________________

Two more Kaufman moments, so many and not enough time.

Andy on the Dating Game show.
The key line:  ”I want food.”

Andy plays his favorite 45 record.
The sweetest, silent, child-like irony of lip-syncing “Here I come to save the day!”
(‘Shh, don’t tell anyone though, I may fail.’)

A many months later monologue-critique-intro to Chicago, IL’s, finest, Cameron McGill & What Army. Inspired by a performance @ Kryptonite, Rockford, IL, 11.25.2009, Thanksgiving Eve. {by Dave DeCastris, 05.14.2010}

Part I
This is a bit late.  You know the saying? Better late than never or as I like to say, patience & a glass of water are a sniper’s most treasured weapons.  Cameron McGill has been making records for the better part of the last decade via Chicago, IL.  The past couple of years with an experienced traveling band , What Army.  Cameron’s got all the goods with this shotgun model band and all the bullets needed ready to fire, his songs.

On records, the sniper occasionally takes a seat for the poet.  Cameron is a great writer, character studies on Old America transported through personal experiences. Detailed, dark explorations of the human soul, relationships and narratives delivered with bite, bitter and honest.  The players on record have changed over the years but Cam seems to have found a creative stride with the current ‘What Army’  lineup.  Daniel J. McMahon, the midwest’s own everyman any band becomes better with, punches nasty guitar tones up against Darren Garvey‘s Kotche-esque killer percussion patterns vs. Rodrigo Palma‘s grammy worthy bass lines balancing out Cameron’s captain of a fragile ship delivery.  What mood is the captain in?  Piano or guitar?  Either way, you’re in for a treat or a trainwreck when you catch the What Army live.  Even when Graham Burris (Matthew Santos/Lupe Fiasco) has to step in for Rod, you still get a grammy worthy bassist, seriously.  You get a great band regardless of the outcome despite what they tell you about their defeated performance afterwards. An honorable midwestern trait.

Cameron & the boys have been through Rockford, IL, a few times.  I often wonder why (and knowing why), they’re bigger than this town but the road travels where the road must go to pay the bills in any way possible.  They’re bigger in talent alone than the joints they play but for now, I’ll take it.  Lucky even, catch them while you can because you see, 2010 brings many changes to the What Army and Cameron McGill.  Their new record is done.  It will wait.   I will offer one phrase;  Van Gogh’s brown boots and the Chicago skyline has a soundtrack finally.

2010 brings many great shoestrings for the Army to dangle and skip through with a finished record on standby.  Cameron also plays keys in another great, midwestern indie band called, Margot and The Nuclear So and So’s.  They have their own record coming out later this year, “Buzzard.”  Rodrigo, tours with Saves the Day.  Darren, with the Andreas Kapsalis Trio/Cory Chisel/Ernie Hendrickson and many more. Plus he just released his own wonderful solo record, “Under a Common Ceiling.” Daniel plays with the entire states of Wisconsin and Illinois, furr real.  He deserves his own Constitutional scroll.

The amount of talent in this band is beyond heart failure levels.  For them to be overlooked any further would be an artistic tragedy on it’s own.  Something has to give in 2010.  This is a career band, this is a career artist.  Hint, hint, America, listen.

“You see, this is a little too wordy for me, he’s too wordy, I like my rock to rock, he’s too whiny.” A man, Don, said that to me at Swilligan’s Pub one night the Army came through to play Rockford in late 08/early 09.  Don likes his rock to rock, no wordy stuff, no thinking, to each their own. Cam & The boys played their hearts out that night to a majority of undeserving, typically drunk, annoying people. A standard Rockford audience for a bar band.  Like anywhere, maybe, but sorry Don, I respect your opinion, I like wordy.  Classic rock radio is always a car ride away.    Weapons are words too my friend.  They closed with “Human Revolution” that night which has yet to see the light of day on record.  The song encapsulates all that is good in rock n’ roll when modern influences meet within one song.  Those being Radiohead/Wilco/Smiths hangin out near a Rufus Wainwright sea side and then, dragged through the midwestern corn fields to settle somewhere in, near, outside an ugly, selfish, hipster hut.  A dare to be different or get me out of here monster, Chicago.  A perfect encore closer for this Army.  Their music deserves to be anywhere and everywhere else besides the midwest.  Keep in mind, the midwest with all respect, is practice grounds for the best.

Part II
11.25.2009  |  Kryptonite |  Rockford, IL
Kryptonite is a great little unknown rock bar in a deserted, downtown located in Rockford, IL.  It’s one of 2-3 reasons to go downtown in Rockford on the west side of the bridge.  Chris Wachowiak, the owner, is a good guy, cares about downtown, cares about it’s health and about music.  Grab a meal or a drink at Octane beforehand, always great.  Talk to Dan the owner if you can catch him- he has other jobs, like many of us do in Rockford to survive. After your meal, stand still in the middle of the newly constructed street that will lead you a half-block to Krypto. A walking mall was once there, the America I miss.  Grilled cheese and 45s, Woolworths with mom in the 70s is my downtown to hold onto. Times change, stand there, close your eyes in the middle of the street and wait for a bird to sh*t on you. Why?  There’s a greater chance of a bird taking a dump on your head  than a car passing through and hitting you.  I mean this, I did it with my thespian friend and we waited, she laughed at me, I didn’t.  No car, no birds, no sh*ts, just a few laughs.  Our generation’s America in a nutshell.  My grandparents, from where they sit and watch down from space, are not proud of the Rockford they built.

11.25.2009 was a special night however.  Many birthdays, Thanksgiving Eve and Cameron McGill & What Army at Krypto.  What you also need to know is that every college kid is home from school.  Every family member transplanted to better jobs elsewhere are here too.  All waiting to get their drink on while ruining a music lover’s main course.  Cameron McGill & What Army are the main course this night.  Those mother f*ckers home for the holidays had no idea, no respect, towards what was gonna hit them.  At some point, I politely told a friend to stop touching my sister & shut up or go to the back of the bar so I could listen to the band.  There are some things, rules, principals, one should practice to enjoy a band.  Gettin’ loaded and high is not one of them, that’s just retarded.   Hiding from the crowd and telling people out of line to shut the f*ck up is acceptable, yes.  It is.

The Army this night is on top of their game.  I do not have video from this night (see bottom), however, I shot horrid video in April of 2009 at Krypto, take a moment to listen to all the hillbillies  talking:

Cameron McGill & What Army
04.10.2009
Live @ Kryptonite, Rockford, IL

Ghosts of New York from Dave DeCastris on Vimeo.

Unacceptable. People, this is socially unforgivable when going to see, listen to a band. Shut up or head on over to the Chuck E. Cheese.  They have skiball there, I love it, and you can talk and laugh and hang out with the other kids making noises and sneezing, spreading their bacteria.  I hope you get sick too.  Chuck E. Cheese is a guaranteed flu blast everytime I have to attend a family’s child party there.  Bring some sanitizer, you’ll thank me later.

On Thanksgiving eve, 2009, Cameron McGill & What Army played their hearts out.  Rockford reunited under a punk-folk rock green lit glow.  The kids yelped and belched about that one time in high school they got high and the home team won as the ‘Army played “Low Ways”, “Madeline”, “She’s a Killer” and many more with a sniper’s slow, calculated attack.  The moment I remember the most watching this great band snip away at the crowd was during “Dead Rose”, a song to be released.  You see, Rockford’s finest, reunited, hillbillies tried to win all night but ultimately failed when Captain McGill and Corporal McMahon busted out the dirtiest double rhythm guitar solo I’ve heard this side of the womb, 1973.  Crazy horse, panthers, dead roses took over the distance between the crowd talking and the brain thinking.  Rod and Darren bringing up the rear with dirty canon ball sized rhythm and release.  This is all I’ve got leftover from that night, what a sh*tty live review right? Man, a birthday gift that solo was.  Happy Thanksgiving, yes.

Part III
Some final thoughts about the night, Rockford and when the saints came marching through to play Kryptonite.

From the piano, the captain declared:
“I wrote this song a long, long, long time ago.
About a girl, so mean.
She was a sssssssssssss- Snake.”

To that  I conclude.

“The Gardener”
cuts a flower from the weeds.
Poking the snakes with their pitchforks now.
In the field a saint’s heard singing,
“I wrote this song a long, long, long time ago–
about a girl so mean.  She was a sssssnake!”
Blinded bystanders called out,
“Man, stop being so subversive! You’re too wordy.”
Foiled by fools, it’s not their fault they can’t read cursive.
Taking cold comfort in the shadow of a tree,
he waits, laughs, sighs and thinks.
Snipers, bullets, shotgun, check;
there’s no urgent need or reasons to attack.
(Having said that, your apologies are due but after the facts.)
Boom, pop, hiss went their balloons.
The gard’ner breathes, the saint still swoons;
Don’t dare call me friend, nor enemy, nor man.
We’re not family, nor anything on deception’s behalf– or I will write you down.
With regards, whatevers and what nots, all of you have lost.
There’s nothing to win but this dead rose and a sniper’s grin.
The gardner.

(For Cameron McGill & What Army)
dD  | andywhorehall.com
_________________

Part IV
Buy CMWA @ iTunes.

Last year’s mellow, “Warm Songs for Cold Shoulders” and its tour e.p,, “Two Hits and a Miss.“ Also check out “Hold On Beauty“ and many more.  {Click here for the others, the  iTunes store is a mess but search around and treat yourself, please.}

ALSO, and finally, a treat.
The best performance that night took place in an alley across from Krypto.
Pablo Korona with Zach Staas, filmed this beauty in the rundown streets of Rockford, IL,
Thanksgiving Eve, 11.25.2009.

In the alleyway next to the Sullivan Center in Rockford, IL — November 2009

For me, the excitement happens at 2:30 after some stranger danger walks out the side door interrupting us. Sirens! Crank it up Danno says!

Ghost of New York — Cameron McGill from Pablo Korona on Vimeo.

“Uh oh, here’s what I heard on a local radio station, Dec. 3rd, 2009.” [Uncomely Reviews of Radio Stations or Static // Part 1: 97.5, WZOK, Rockford, IL]

03.15.2010
by Dave DeCastris

In the cold, dark morning of my kitchen waiting for coffee to brew and approving of my dog’s bowel movement from the frosted over back door, I turned around, flipped on my kitchen boom-box radio cassette playa’ and accidently bumped the scan button. It ended up on static. Let the dog inside, figure out what happened, get radio back to normal, find a clean cup and pour coffee. Somehow between figuring out what happened and trying to find normal I decided that 12.03.2009 would mark the beginning of a new outlook focusing on local radio stations I could find in the morning for positive, if not ironic, moments to ponder on and about.

Radio stations are everywhere in every a’Merican town playing in the background and they’re bad, real bad, tasteless, infectious ear numbing fast food for the brain with vacuum like soul sucking powers. It can be worse than ‘white’ noise and for my money, local radio is worse than the buzz of a fridge waking me up at 4am. It’s impossible to beat them, if it weren’t for bad radio stations playing awful music and DJs sharing awful insight– anyone’s appreciation for listening to anything but what the radio plays would be different, yes?

It’s good to occasionally keep an ear on what the rest of a’Merica is listening to- the popular stuff. “Most of it is garbage,” is an easy assumption however being surprised by a good ol’ fashioned pop song is where it’s at sometimes for stressless moments. So I did it, On December 3rd, 2009, I listened for the first time in a long time to local Rockford area radio with intent to enjoy and took notes. Not only for self-torture or a personal waste of time but for laughs in need of an a**hole’s opinion or defense. I believe in the theory you can’t complain about something if you don’t do it or try it out for yourself. I’ve sat through many Hanson X-Mas Record listenings to say outright, “It’s pretty good… for a Christmas record and for a pop group.” Those boys have some soulful killer harmonies, they do.

The DJs and commercials are another story when listening to any local radio station anywhere in the world. If they have the power to persuade thousands of people with mindless banter, I believe it’s a fair tradeoff to share written, mindless banter about it. Now then.

You know, the radio used to be important, it did, for some of us it meant sitting making mix tapes from songs we heard as a child on any random station and then doing our own mindless banter in between. Calling in and pranking the DJs with jokes n’ stuff or requesting odd songs that even then, may get a shot of being played on the radio if a copy is lying around the station. I can still recall the amount of times I called in “I’ll Be You” off of ‘Don’t Tell a Soul’ by The Replacements to defeat Rick Astley in the nightly top 10 countdown at 10, 1989? Had to be.

Once the grunge movement occurred (while everyone else assumes downloading killed the music industry) radio went bye bye as the way to hear new music. Nirvana, grunge, the greatest Doors cover band ever – Pearl Jam – and bands alike (Crudd, Nucklebutt) that sounded just like the first one mentioned took over playlists… and soon playlists were being purchased in bulk to repeat, replay, cram into peoples brains by greedy corporations on the spending loose. Pay to play was already in effect for decades, not like the 90s though. Today’s playlists are 5000xs worse because they’re polluted by American Idol rejects and a few winners. I hear cats crooning in the alley that sound just as good to me as an American Idol winner. The only way to hear a decent song get some airplay is on a TV commercial sometimes.

Backtrack a bit, the 80s weren’t so bad now that we’re all so removed to observe such. One of the reasons for turning off the radio sometime around the mid to late 90s was that every song on the radio started to sound constipated and trapped right outta’ a high school dance playlist. Oasis in the early 90s, still (to me at least) was like a breath of fresh recycled air to hear on American radio partially because most people didn’t get Oasis- or still don’t. To quote Noel Gallagher in an interview with John Norris from MTV about the 90s and pop stars, grunge, etc.:

“I hate pop stars who go on whinin’ about the price of fame and this that and the other. Let me just tell you that being famous is great. I love it, man. I think it’s the best when you get stopped walking down the street for an autograph, that’s the best feeling in the world. Then you get people like Eddie Vedder, you know what I mean? It’s like, what’s the point? Why is he in a band if he’s so pissed off, you know what I mean? Why don’t you just work in a car wash you know what I mean? Or like McDonald’s or something. ”

That’s the truth, no one really got Oasis being on American radio because they weren’t singing about depressed American boys named ‘Jeremy’ or whatever, depressing stuff. Life’s already depressing enough as it is, listening to Oasis felt good and meant nothing everytime “Don’t Look Back In Anger” squeaked through the speakers. Feeling good about nothing is the sign of a great, great pop band or song. Rarely do I hear a pop song that makes me feel nothing and happy all in one sitting. “It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.” Yeah. 1987, where’d ya go too?

Now-a-days Pearl Jam and their sound alikes have been replaced by the Kings of Leon and… and…? The boys in Kings of Leon sound backed up, as if they haven’t dropped a load off in weeks. Is it them though? Or is it the way the song was mixed to be played on bad radio stations in multiple droppings? Most of the pop songs sound as if they are being sung from inside an empty pop can or from a toilet bowl. The radio formula. Whatever it is, it’s pretty bad. Who is to blame for this; Sean Combs? John Shanks? Will.I.Am? Butch Walker? The Matrix? Mark Ronson? Or are the major labels in conglomeration with corporate radio to mass produce horribly mixed music for mass digital consumption? Yes. That’s a separate article. Enough and moving on to the recession research listening experiment.

Listening Ratings: I devised a ratings system for my local radio experiment. Hi-5: Surprised, amused, learned something, heard an impressive string of songs. The DJ didn’t talk or when he did he actually told me (the listener) what the f*ck was being played and the actual name of the song without having to guess what he really mumbled through above Radio Station Call Letter and sh*tty tagline narrative. Yawn: Tolerable, head scratching, almost unlistenable but like bad TV, can’t seem to turn it off so ‘ok.’ Garbage: Can I get a refund on my time or will someone be returning my brain cells back to their rightful place?

________

Here we go, let’s try this out. On 12.03.2009 I tested my local FM radio listening skills with a pen and a notebook.

ZOK, 97.5 FM “Today’s BEST Music.” / Rockford, IL / 9am-10am+ estimated.
The first part of the hour was spent listening to an engaging conversation between DJ Steve and some guy named Bob Greene on the phone. Bob apparently was Oprah’s best ‘woman’ like friend in her wedding– or she was his ‘best woman’? I couldn’t tell by the vocal inflections both men were sharing live on-air as Bob was obviously talking from a phone. DJ Steve was asking him about a book he wrote about a diet for treating diabetes. I wanted to know more but this is not the math and science hour I learned. It’s about Oprah, not important subject matters. The conversation was mainly spent talking about Oprah’s weight and how Bob was just contacted by his friend to help get her back into shape for 2010. I learned many things in this conversation I was unaware of:

1. Oprah is quitting her show?! What planet have I been on? Yawn?

2. She is starting her own TV Network?! Where have I been again? Yawn.

3. The DJ said, “Oprah has been such a force in all of our lives…” A reoccurring problem, why do I feel nothing?

That’s where I forget why I’m listening to Rockford radio. Has she been a force?

I can remember one time in 36 years of being on this planet I’ve sat and watched an episode of Oprah and the most memorable thing about it was my grandfather sitting in his chair taking a post-yard work nap, 3-4-5 in the afternoon, the summer of 198_? My grandmother came upstairs to sit in her ‘wait for a client’ chair and says, “Oh good you have Ofrah on, I like Ofrah, did your grandfather feed you.” (Note: My grandma ran a beauty salon shop and business out of my grandparents house in their South Rockford, IL basement for over 40 years and this is why the TV was always on in the sun porch/client waiting area. It’s not like Grandpa and I had a choice after we were done workin in the yard.)

My memories of Oprah are not that of being a force but of my grandma butchering her name over and over for years. “Ofrah.” Forcefully, I remember my grandmother enjoying her while waiting for clients to show up and then when she got sick and left this cruel world for a far much better place. I know when my grandpa took care of her, she couldn’t miss Oprah. Magically my mom started doing the same thing. Screwing up names was and still is their/ my mom’s specialty. I love them for that phonetic gift greatly.

Above: Enjoying Rockford's downtown before WZOK existed, after WW2.

All right, where were we? That’s right, 97ZOK, DJ Steve, Bob Greene and Oprah stories. I learned nothing from this conversation on the radio that morning outside of the fact Oprah is ending her show. That’s news for some people? How many I’m not sure. I know she helps sell books so that’s cool in some way because people should listen to Oprah if she even comes close to mentioning this word to millions of a’Mericans who don’t, “read.”

DJ Steve, that Bob guy or Oprah has diabetes was the other thing I learned, someone has the diabetes I learned. I wanted to know more about diabetes and the diet book but not Oprah or her weight. It would have been appreciated by this listener to have known more about a diabetic’s diet instead of Oprah Winfrey’s future and past. Something’s going to get all of us one day and that particular day, 12.03.2009, WZOK got me. Here’s a conservative non-liberal thought I notated with manic scribbles in that notebook while listening to the ZOK, “Thank God for NPR. Thank Dog for NPR. Thank Gob for NPR. Thank Bob? Thank Bob.”

Moving on. There were a few songs dropped on my ears after the failed Bob Greene infomercial hosted by DJ Steve.

Tunes I heard or could remember in this hour on ZOK’s “Morning Show”:

1. Some girl singing about something with an auto-tune mixing filter applied so that she appeared to be singing from inside an empty soup can. The sound was unlistenable, no mention of her name, the song name, had a nice beat that sounded like it was made on a 1982 casio and she was singing about being pretty, I think? Yawn.

2. Beyonce: Good song! Holy sh*t, I actually heard a good song on FM radio?! She was all sexy and preaching to single ladies to “put a ring on it”? Like a ring on the finger for getting married? Or a condom on a man’s 3rd leg? Either way, good song, I unloaded my diswasher thinking, “maybe modern radio is getting better…”

3. Lady Gahgah: The DJ announced this lady’s name. This was a first experience hearing the pop star I see everywhere in photos. I don’t have a proper opinion outside of the fact the song DJ Steve played was boring. I ended up trying to find my winter hat during that song.

4. Some guy who was hurting and sounded like he was singing “I’m so sorry” over and over? He was really in pain. Again, no name, no song title mentioned by the DJ. I can’t even compare him to anything I’ve heard the past decade having not had local radio on at all. It resembled something I heard in 1994 by a band named Seven Mary Three. Seven Mary Three is not the good 90s. Teenage Fanclub is the good 90s. This guy singing was really hurting or hungry, somethin. He was growlin and it made me miss hearing something honest from the completely underrated, 38 Special.

5. Right Said Fred: Really? “‘I’m So Sexy” as if it were an ok thing being played in the morning. It’s never ok to play this song unless you’re p*ssed drunk looking to upset a group of friends by ending the party early followed by any God awful Pearl Jam song, repeated, two songs repeated till they all get the message to leave.

Songs played Summary: 1/5 songs actually caught my attention. Beyonce, thank you for making memorable marketable music that a local DJ could count on playing this morning. However 20% of my time based on that fractional result is a failing grade. Math does not lie. // Commercials: Too many, a complete distraction. Stuff about diamond deals at Zavius and go git yerself some good insurance at Farmer’s Insurance. There were many more. I suggest anyone who second doubts anything and everyone, including; newspapers, advertisements, this article– should train the ears to drown out white people radio commercial narrations whether they’re on the radio, TV or in Wal-Marts and Road Rangers.

NOTE: At 10:23am, from the kitchen, according to my notes that day– WZOK was still playing while I started this article and like any offensive joke told to friends with perfect timing, my favorite late 2000s punch-line came on. Clockwork, the awful Kings of Leon singing that song, “Someone like me”, where he swoons and sounds so constipated. Last summer I realized you may hear this 6Xs a day spewing out of strangers mouths and cars, anywhere, not just Rockford, IL.

Thanks for that day’s laughs ZOK. I’m assuming there’s many more Kings of Leon repeats coming everyone’s way in the this new decade. How will they be able to keep up with new haircuts to match new hits?

_____________________

LISTENING RATING:
Garbage

No surprise as assumed but I tried to find the positive in all of it. One song by Beyonce and good memories triggered by the DJ and Bob Greene on Ofrah are about it. Let’s face it, anything that takes 3 months to write about an hour spent with WZOK in the morning should only equal a “garbage” rating on anyone’s aural scale based on the ’3 months to write’ factor. I fear this monologue may be garbage as well having focused on aural litter. It was terrible. The sound still lingers from my kitchen boombox radio and my insides, to this day, coil with time lost and regrettable effort made for an opposite result.

I learned another great local lesson that day too. Most numbers on the dial above 89.5 in the morning or anytime should be feared in large. Beware. It may be awhile before sitting through an hour on the other local radio stations for creative kicks and recession like research. Having said that, I can’t wait to see if an hour spent with WXRX in Rockford, IL features that awesome song, “Jeremy”, by Pearl Jam. Oh, yeah, uh huh, what a dream it may be to hear Aerosmith singing, “Sweet Emotion”, like it was the first time I heard them. To quote those horny, b*stard, Boston city boys’, “Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent / Said my get up and go musta got up and went.” Kings of Leon have a lot to learn about writing a gettin’ sum radio pop song. They should begin with learning how to write minus a ghost writer first. Till then.

dD | andywhorehall.com

This week we welcome artist extraordinaire Jesus Correa to the monkey cave. We discuss his 2009 Rockford mayoral race experience, history in the music scene and art community, and Dave’s love of pixelated women. Call our Hotline at 815-315-9552.

Featuring music by:
Spoon
Jesus Correa
Vic Ruggiero
Blaming Tim
Otter Petter

Intro by The Flaming Lips

Former Sock Monkey Sound guest Joe Reina has started a blog detailing the history of Downtown Rockford. If you’re interested in the history of (and decline) of our town go check it out at somanylittledyings.com. Not only will Joe be writing articles there will also be pieces written by some of our contributing writers as well.

We were featured in the Rockford Register Stars Go Section and on their website. Check out the piece they compiled here http://go.rrstar.com/music OR you can read the entire piece below. Notice the nuance and the attributed quotes in the piece below. Then take a look at the watered down and controversially devoid interpretation on their site. Not that there’s anything wrong with it but they took all the juicy bits out. Thanks to Lisa Glowinski and the staff at rrstar.com for featuring us.

Podcast name:
Sock Monkey Sound Music & Culture Podcast

Web site or contact info:
www.sockmonkeysound.com

Members:
Hosted by Brandon Lutmer, Chip Copeland, and Patrick Delehanty. Recorded at M.I.A. Studios by Mark Gustafson.

Started in:
August 2009

What is Sock Monkey Sound?
Chip Copeland: We’re a podcast and website that you can find online. A podcast is similar to a radio show, but we’re not under the same rules as terrestrial radio stations in terms of content and time structures. We talk about music and pop culture, and play songs by local, regional, and the occasional national artist or band. In addition to Rockford we also cover the Midwest region as well and have a large following in the Atlanta area. Due to the Internet and iTunes we’ve been able to cultivate an audience that extends beyond our little corner of the world.

Patrick Delehanty: Along with that aspect of the show, we also interview local artists and musicians in a loose and uncensored talk show format where the guest can relax and be themselves. Not only do we give them the opportunity to promote their upcoming shows or projects, sometimes we’ll just talk about breakfast cereal, TV shows, or random silliness; nothing to serious. It enables us to have fun with the guest, they can be themselves and not have to worry about constraints; and I feel like the listeners can really connect with the guest in a way that they can’t in a more “mainstream” media outlet interview.

Mark Gustafson: We’ve also done topical, roundtable style shows on local issues that matter to us, as musicians and fans of music, such as the current state of the On the Waterfront Festival in Rockford. We feel as if a certain segment of the population of music fans in Rockford are under served by how the festival has been run and what acts have been booked. While we’re certainly not experts on the subject of how to successfully organize or run such a festival, we do have opinions as to what we think a vibrant and relevant music festival could look like in downtown Rockford. It surprises me when people tell me that they listened to that episode and enjoyed our loony, coffee fueled ramblings. We’re planning a RAMI episode that I’m sure will ruffle some feathers.

What’s the inspiration for the name of the show?
Brandon Lutmer: We really were trying to come up with something that would be lighthearted, but also reflect and identify the fact that we’re a show based in Rockford. We didn’t want to try and play on the name of the town and tie it into rock music. It’s been done before and it seemed like a lame idea to us.

Patrick Delehanty: The Sock Monkey on the other hand is Rockford’s equivalent to Mickey Mouse. It has universal cultural appeal, but seems totally Rockford at the same time.

How did Sock Monkey Sound come together?
Chip Copeland: Blame me. I’m a podcast junky because I work in front of a computer all day. On one of those days I was listening to the Sound Opinions podcast and Jim DeRogatis, pop music critic at The Chicago Sun-Times and co-host of Sound Opinions, said in his review of the Cheap Trick record ‘The Latest’, and I quote, “Cheap Trick, a band from Rockford Illinois, not exactly a hotbed of rock and roll”. When I heard that I cursed at my computer for 10 minutes. I guess his comment fired me up a bit. While Cheap Trick is a Rockford institution and I respect them and enjoy their music, they are not the only talented band around these parts.

Brandon Lutmer: There are tons of great underground bands of all genres that play original music in the area. And it seemed to us that these groups just needed a voice to get out there. All four of us play in local bands that perform original music and each one of us understands how difficult it is to try and get the word out to people.

Chip Copeland: I called up Mark and told him my initial idea to do a “Rockford Invasion” episode on a podcast recorded by my friends Walk to Run Records based in Atlanta. I knew Brandon had done a radio show in college and thought he would add a little more polish as a host, as well as the fact that he’s huge music geek. Initially Brandon and I would be the hosts and Mark would record the show. On the night of recording the fill in episode, Brandon brought Patrick along and just for kicks we threw him on the microphone as a guest.

Mark Gustafson: Surprisingly, it was a blast. We had so much fun with the three of them hosting and me behind the recording console that the four of us decided to do a weekly show. And Sock Monkey Sound was born.

Who are some of the guests you’ve had on so far?
Patrick Delehanty: Dan McMahon, guitarist for Miles Neilson and Cameron McGill; Marky and Heather Hladish from the band Venna, Jason Beatty, Arik Jenkins from Guzzardo’s Performance Music, Warren Franklin, White Moose, Joe Reina, Kevin Schwitters, and Dave Pedersen; just to name a few. All heave been great guests.

What does the future hold for Sock Monkey Sound?
Brandon Lutmer: Well, I think we want to build our listener base, and our online community. At the same time we want to continue to improve and refine the show. We recently have started posting articles by contributors on our website, such as Alex Danger Stewart. He’s a trip and Danger really is his middle name.

Mark Gustafson: Another idea is to incorporate more shows about the local culture, in addition to the local musician who play original music. Rockford does have a good size art scene and cultural entities such as theater groups. Not many towns our size have a symphony orchestra.

Chip Copeland: Yeah, we think branching out beyond just local musicians as guests will help draw attention to a rich cultural scene in Rockford that many area residents seem to ignore or don’t know about because it’s not on the east side of town.
Brandon Lutmer: At the same time we realize our show probably won’t be for everybody. Still, hopefully we can show both local residents, and the wider global audience, another side of Rockford that they never knew existed.

Where can people find Sock Monkey Sound?
Sockmonkeysound.com is the place you can listen and download weekly episodes. You can also subscribe to and download the show through iTunes or on pod catching websites such as podcast.com, podcastalley.com, or podfeed.net. Leaving a review on any of these sites also helps us to reach a wider audience.

aka: This Punk Read Kerouac
by Alex Danger Stewart

So there’s this band called The Moment. Grr, never start a sentence with a preposition. As you may know, there’s a Rockford band called The Moment. They consist of two guys playing screamy dance music. Many people compare them to the Faint, who used to be more famous amongst people with tattoos than they are now. This is common knowledge. They’ve been featured on this very website. Less universally known, but still pretty widely understood, is that The Moment used to sound a whole lot different. During my early high school years, they were mainly a Gods Reflex spin-off group (which was awesome because GR totally rules). Current drummer, Elliott Porter, was joined by guitarist Nate Kirschmann and former Reflex front man/bassist Zach Newman. Not long after the release of their debut EP, “This is the Moment,” The Moment welcomed guitarist PJ (possibly short for Polly Jane) Heckinger into the fold. The Moment’s sound began to incorporate more electronics and a slightly harder edge. This is largely attributed to the fact that PJ is metal as shit. I’ve always considered this time period (circa 2004-2005) to be the golden era of The Moment. Newman is mostly a fantastic lyricist and they rocked balls (as was the style of the times). It is only represented on record by the three song James Dean single, a recording of an acoustic show that only a handful of people (including me) have, and a mostly completed album that has never seen the light of day. In May of 2005, on the eve of their first tour, Zach fucking quit the band. Left scrambling, the other three members hurriedly figured out how to include Newman’s bass parts into the existing programming and Heckinger moved over to vocals. This obviously led to a pretty drastic change in sound and direction. Then something interesting happened. One of the first post Zach songs was the Kirschmann penned, “Are You Out There.”

Sample lyrics include:

Well it might not make you a saint, sir, but it just might save you from Hell.
Well are you out there? Are you out there? Living your life as a liar.
Give it up, son. Give it up, son. I know that you’re celebrating (unintelligible)

Give in, give up, get out, right out
Cause I know that you won’t notice
Give in, give up, get out, right out
Cause I know that you won’t care.

This ending has a proceed
Take the pictures from the rents (possibly rest or parrots)
Well you’ve got me as your victim (or Well you can’t play as the victim)
At least you’ve got your crucifix.

We’re all just waiting for you
They always told you something
There’s no more asking for you
We’ll pick it up and carry on

The three and a half minute screed paints someone close to the protagonist (more on that in the next paragraph) as a lousy self obsessed hypocrite, who has left them when they were most in need. The lyrics went largely unnoticed on the post Newman album, Showdown At The Discoteque, because every song was mostly angry sounding. Until someone cracked the code. This kid named Evan Michel first figured out the big picture idea of the song when he announced to me, “Holy Shit Danger! That song is about Zach!” The theory was confirmed one time when I asked Kirschmann when he was drunk and he admitted that he had written it about Zach quitting the band. Even without that confirmation, the subtext is clear. With direct references to past Newman lyrics (“I’m gonna fake my way into sainthood,” on “Who’s Afraid of Hunter S Thompson,” and the attack on mainstream emo singers, “That Crucifix/goes really well with your cut wrists.”) and more oblique nods to his future near abandonment of music making in favor of teaching and being with his family. Kirschmann’s lyrics essentially accuse Newman of being a liar and a thief. In all fairness, Zach quit the fucking band.

For a while, that seemed like the end of it. The Moment soldiered on and Zach kept promising an acoustic EP that never happened. But then something interesting happened. Zach reemerged in late 2007/early 2008 with a new Gods Reflex album. The title track, “When It’s Down to This,” had a strong rebuke to an unnamed party

Sample Lyrics:

We must move on
But we always wind up the same
in each other’s songs

Assign the blame
but don’t speak in tongues
I know my name
and I’m not ashamed

I guess everybody lies
everybody has two sides
despite the words you sing
I’m doing fine

When it’s down to this
I’ll be stronger than you ever thought that I could be
I’m not waiting for your call
When you think you’re missed
Think as not the one that I thought was in front of me
They’ve been dead for oh so long.

I passed the baton, knowing it would be better off
In someone else’s hands
And hoped you’d understand
If this is my cross
Then I’ll carry on despite the cost
It’s not as grand as you thought

The gloves were fucking off! Newman shot back with a god damned laser. In the space of 4 minutes he lets the Moment know that he is aware that “Are You Out There,” is about him, and that he doesn’t give a fuck. All things being equal, Newman is a much stronger songwriter. To this day, he remains flaky as all get out, but his ability as a lyricist and singer continue to keep me (and others) listening. Despite the fact that the splintering of the original Moment is most definitely his fault, Zach deftly handles the accusations and tells his side of the story. Even in directly references the prior song, “If this is my cross, then I’ll carry on despite the cost. It’s not as grand as you thought,” his lyrics are clever and stinging. I first figured out the meaning of the song last spring while driving home from school. It was such a surprising realization that I shouted it out to my passengerless car, “Holy Shit! This song is about The Moment!” I’ve never talked about it with other people because it seems super lame to study the lyrics of a Rockford band so closely. But there you have it. Feud over.

Victory: Zach Newman
Spoils of War: The Moment

Alex Danger Stewart is an opinionated guy. At first I was worried about pissing someone off by posting this. Then I thought to myself, “Screw It!”. If this does piss anyone off you can email Danger at thedangerzone@sockmonkeysound.com and bitch at him.