Editorials

Published on June 13th, 2011 | by C.C. Deville

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C.C. Deville’s Pimp Slap #1

I’ve decided that with all of the praise I’ve been giving back and forth, it’s time that I turn this ship around for the 10 minutes it will take you to read this, and really put the daddy pants on.  Now, I know this article is highly fictional, as I will never be in the same room as these people and if I was and it was my turn to shake one of their hands, I’d probably fake a phone call or force piss myself to waiver my chance.

And to be honest with you, I fear legal action and bodyguards; look at me.  Sure, I may be considered by society’s standards a relatively large guy- standing at a towering 6’2 and weighing in at an astonishing 220 (by the way- does that sound unhealthy to anyone?), but remember, I have never been in a fight.  I got close once, but it ended with me shoving the dude and his friends grabbed him as he charged back to me.  The next day, I found, rumors were circulated that I was porking his girlfriend, which would have been impossible at the time.  Nevermind that, the point is I am fine, no one got hurt and charges weren’t pressed by me.  Believe me, I would have lost, and the only face I would have had to save was by calling a lawyer and suing his ass.  THEN we would have seen who was laughing.

Now, you may be wondering C.C., why are you doing this?  Why would you want to ‘Pimp Slap’ anyone?  Well dear reader, I’ve had moments, many a day and night, where I have seen celebrities that really just irk me.  I mean really make me cringe.  I’m a pretty easy going guy but I honestly don’t have much else to do today and I flood my Facebook with stuff like this everyday, but something on TV drove me to write this article.  Get ready for the dark side of me ladies and gentlemen. Keep in mind these are in no particular order.  Here, is the first written Delehanty’s Bitch Slap:

Everyone in Boys Like Girls

This one is pretty self evident by the picture posted above.  They just look like the type of dudes that if I showed up to a party, they would be trying to score the 16 year olds and try to drink up all of the Jack Daniels before anyone else got a chance to; not taking into consideration that they don’t know how to drink, but want to impress the chicks, act like Dane Cook, and end up puking before the night is over.  They would be the guys at the party that would grab the nearest acoustic and start rattling off Your Body is a Wonderland or Crash while the rest of us guys stand in the corner watching them, hating them, because that is the lowest blow any man could do at a party, and the cheapest trick for attention you could ever ask for.  Draining the fun out of a party by getting the girls to listen to you belt out a Dashboard cover with your emo swoop and vulnerable douche attitude, psht, it’s enough to make a grown man sick.

If I had a party and had the means to invite them, I wouldn’t, no questions asked; strictly because of how they acted at my make believe party just now.  Plus their music is the most horrendous thing I’ve probably ever heard.  Not to mention this piece of garbage performance below.  Watch their mannerisms, and if you’re putting humbuckers in a Stratocaster you should be castrated:  Click here to watch Boys Like Girls on AOL Sessions

Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy

First off, if you’re 32 years old and still wearing eye liner, get a grip on reality dude.  Pete Wentz has to be the biggest tool in the entire world, hands down.  Nothing about this guy has ever had an ounce of intelligence in my opinion.  Sure, he marketed his band perfectly, made money off of a bunch of bands he signed, and had millions of fans, still does probably.  But when your fans are middle school girls who don’t know any better, that’s not an accomplisment, that’s statutory rape, metaphorically of course.  Not to mention, he is now a parent, which is an even scarier thought that I will have to deal with his offspring when he croaks.  Overprivileged children who idolized their parents, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.  I’m done talking about it.  I’m just going to make myself upset.

The white rapper guy from the T-Mobile commercial

All I have to say is this a big reason why some black people hate white people.  And the girl awkwardly dancing, doesn’t help the cause.

All the children of Mindless Behavior

Now, I understand they are well in their early teens, and probably don’t understand what they are doing.  All they know is they have a hit single and fans around the same age, which is fine.  I understand this song is for fun and going to make their parents a ton of money.  Which if that is the case, congratulations, you’ve succeeded.  Now this song will be buried deep in the annals of history and looked back upon as a hit single.  If this is the direction music is going, our children’s children are going to be about as smart as my left foot.  I really do fear that these kids one day will become producers and guide other musicians careers.  Even if that is the case, the only way they will know how to do it is the way they were guided.  So, with that being said, someone should slap each member before they can start procreating and making business decisions, and tell them to have higher goals.  Become a doctor, a race car driver, a tattoo artist, a lawnmower repair man, anything, just stop before it’s too late.  I’m sorry I’m not there to slap you each myself, it’s for your own good.  Look at those clothes…Their parents should be jailed.  Video?   WELL HERE YOU GO!

With all that being said, I might start making this a weekly or monthly thing.  I don’t know, I have a lot of things I want to do, like skydiving, but I keep pushing that one off, and I promise you it’s a lot more exciting than this.  Who would you let taste the back of your hand?  I’m interested!

Tags: ashlee simpson, bitch slap, boys like girls, crash, dane cook, mindless behavior, pete wentz, t mobile rapper, your body is a wonderland

About the Author

C.C. Deville Ne sort pas de son sac.Born the second son of the Lord of Cadillac. Schooled by lecherous Jesuits. Sailed to the New World for fortune and fame. Explored to exploit, gave firewater to the savages and been trappin from fur to crack and back again. Imprisoned in the Bastille for monopolizing a free market. Built a fortress at what you call Detroit to protect my trade routes. Same for New Orleans. Lived on through crystal glasses in cotton plantations, the former swagger of Gatsby and gold 100-spoke rims bought with blood money.