GO, GO, GO, BONO, GOALLLLL!

By Irish Brian Kelly

{There’s no secret March is the greatest month in the Roman calendar. Leprechauns, green beer, rioting, snow is melting, green beer again and green dreams for one and all. And more green beer. I’ve decided to celebrate March Madness by kicking it off with a new, abbreviated, music series focusing on the great Irishmen of rock n’ roll; ‘The Fighting Irish.’ There will be partial exceptions made to the rules, after all, St. Patrick wasn’t irish at all.}

Our March Madness Monkey series, Fighting Irish, kicked off with Liam Gallagher and  Steven Patrick Morrissey.  It should be no surprise by now that they were the openers for the greatest Irishman of all time, Paul Hewson, aka BONO.  He’s so great that the timing of this historic article should come as no surprise to your own inept cultural heritage as I hear by declare March 16th, 2011, as St. Bono’s Day!

The Sock Monkey Sound staff along with I, Brian Kelly, have been meeting for weeks to discuss the importance behind launching a historically correct holiday to rival the historically inaccurate, christian holiday myth known as St. Patrick’s Day.  Like many pseudo-catholic holidays foiled by pro-capitalist intentions, St. Patrick’s Day is just another day for bars and taverns to increase alcohol sales, adultery, a few coworkers’ contempt, and DUIs.  For bars and police departments, it’s their ‘Thanksgiving Eve’- but in Spring.

Not many know why they wear green, or why they drink green beer to celebrate one of the greatest historical misunderstandings of all time on March 17th. Many arguments went into this decision at the hands of the Sock Monkey Sound round table, but historical proof exists there’s a reason for a March 16th holiday to exist honoring the great christian, catholic, anti-AIDS, rock n’ rolling activist, nicknamed BONO. TODAY we finally praise His glory!

March 17th on the Roman calendar serves as a giant drunk blunder by mankind’s ability to take a man named Patricius (Patrick), who wasn’t Irish, and celebrate his life as if he were.  He was not.  Patrick was born to British/Scottish, Italian parents serving under Roman rule in what is now Britain.  He was kidnapped by Irish Neanderthals (that was a history joke, they were Druids) at a very young impressionable age.  He escaped years later and spent the rest of his life attempting to rid Ireland of it’s naughty people by introducing what is called Christianity to the country’s peoples who are now known as Leprechauns.

Aside from the comments about Neanderthals and Leprechauns, which are as historically false as March 17th itself, Patrick didn’t have an ounce of Irish in him. This is a great offense to my homeland, my family, my friends and to my pride; a dent on intelligence created by earth’s drunkest peasants.  For years I have preached the glory of the Man we now know as BONO. And I hereby announce March 16th as St. Bono’s Day.

Face it, there is no greater human alive, let alone Irish, with the potential to be the next great ordained Saint.  Name one Italian, I bet you can’t. Bono’s already an annointed Knight in Britain; and has done more to solve the mystery known as AIDS in Africa than many rock stars would ever attempt to solve.  Even while performing hit after hit with His friends (Larry, Adam, and EDGE), can you name one poor scientist or med student in search of the ultimate cure to end poverty besides BONO? Doubt it. Dublin’s favorite Son is modern Mankind’s most eligible Prophet.

The weight He carries with Himself is evident in many of His lyrical scriptures. Take a read at one of His most treasured passages:

“I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.”

Words like His in times of trouble become blankets for our souls, protecting us from devils.  Even when lost or inebriated, I, like many of Bono’s followers count on Him to sing us back to warmth:

“I was on the inside… When they pulled the four walls down… I was looking through the window… I was lost, I am found!… Walkaway, walkaway, I walkaway, walkaway…I will follow!… If you walkaway, walkaway,… I walkaway, walkaway…I will follow…
I will follow”

It is underneath His ‘good voice’ (which means Bonavox in latin, of which His nickname, Bono Vox, is derived from), in the sleek Lillywhite production pauses between Edge’s riffs, that we find Him leading us to safety, blindly lost by following.

Without further distraction and delay, this is a day that will now be known as a major victory for truth, Ireland, and Earth. Bono’s messianic missions have been delivered unto the human race by music- and by enjoying premier lunches with world leaders from all walks of life too.  The Pope, Gandhi, Shakira, Bon Jovi, hot college girls He met on vacation, Ex-President Bush Jr. and even Oprah have marched for Earth’s survival with Bono to help cure stuff.  March 16th will forever sit righteously next to March 17th, defeating historical inaccuracies & pro-capitalist intentions for increasing alcohol sales.

Let March 16th be known as St. Bono’s Day, a day for historical corrections and intelligence represented by mankind’s greatest living Fighting Irishman, Bono.

A Prayer Polem for St. Bono’s Day
{March 16th, Forever Irish}

GO, GO, GO,
Bono,
GO!
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,
Bono,
FIGHT!

For AIDS!
For POVERTY!
For POPES!
For PRESIDENTS!
For IRELAND!

It is You,
Bono,
it is YOU
that WE,
earth’s peasants,
PRAY TO!

NOT PATRICK, YOU!

GO, GO, GO,
BONO-
GOALLLLLLLLL!

{© 2011 Words & Thoughts by Irish Brian Kelly™ | All Rights Reserved}

Peace be with you,
and also with you.
Happy St. Bono’s Day!
BK